I can't believe it's already been two weeks! I keep telling people it's been a week and a half, but that's wrong so I should stop doing that. Time is so funny. Chicago is becoming home more and more every day, but at the same time it doesn't fully feel like I'm here yet. Some small parts of me are still in Colorado, Ohio, and even New York. I guess this is what growing up and going away does to you: you become more fluid and your heart doesn't break anymore. Instead, it leaves trails of love and friendship and memories wherever it goes, making you feel like your life is painted across state lines and hundreds of miles. The more I leave, the more I want my canvas to stretch. The more I leave, the less my heart breaks. The more I leave, the harder it is to keep myself whole. The expanse of my self and heart jumps from place to place, and I really don't mean to sound negative (even though as I reread it, it sounds like a bad thing), but I'm merely wondering when my whole self will come to Chicago. Do I call her to me? Do I gather my heart up and pour it into this city? Or I do I continue, day by day, to build my life again? Build it by putting myself out there and making new friends, by showing up and doing good work, by walking into the lion's mouth and hoping that the chew and swallow doesn't rip me in two.
I realize all of this is simply my daily existential crisis just put into writing, but when I feel this way, I find myself going back to this poem by Sandra Beasley:
"To the lions
the savannah will not save you .
Everything is dead or dying;
running, or about to run.
Time to stop lifting the wallet
from the corpse's pocket.
Time to gather your most
Isn't that the sun, draped
around your neck?
Stop this kitty kitty nonsense,
this apologetic yawning:
Show us why your tongue
is covered in hooks."
Now that I've gotten all of that off my chest, my internship is going really well! I did a lot of work on grants this week, updating our current list of possible grants/funding and finding new ones to apply for. Kirstin and Brea also wanted me to find travel grants as well, so Akvavit might be making a trip across the pond in the next year or two! I've also been looking into building a website for Chicago's Nordic businesses, as well as reading the plays "The Stylists" and "Hitler on the Roof" as possible candidates for the season. Both very good plays, both very strange plays. I'm slowly getting acclimated to Nordic theater, and it's a lot more experimental than I had originally thought. Which I love! I also spent time working on Akvavit's blog (introducing our new members), and organizing our donations from the past year and putting together thank you letters for individual people. I think we are going forward with the "Future is Female" festival and we got in touch with some other companies who want to participate! Hooray for females!
Despite the wallowing in the first paragraph about not knowing what to do with myself, I have made friends and started to network. I've said it before, but everyone here is so nice, the concrete evidence just keeps growing. I only have to remind myself that it's the second week and I'm not supposed to have everything together already. I'm looking forward to another 7 days in rainy/sunny/snowy Chicago.